First week after the accident: I went home from the hospital on a Tuesday and pretty much did not wake up until Friday. No technology for days proved to be no problem. No headaches, no nausea that I remember. Thinking I had done what I was supposed to and followed the ER doctor’s orders, I planned my return to Vail that weekend as M had friends in town visiting. I bought a Bustang ticket (I wasn’t supposed to drive) and headed to the train station. About 30 minutes outside of Denver, my head started killing in the exact spot I had landed on it. I panicked. Perhaps it was the bus vibration causing it? I knew I needed to get off the bus asap. I called M and had him pick me up in Frisco instead of at the Vail Station. Once at his apartment I felt better but was scared about what was happening. Something was off. I was also meeting his friends for the first time (reminder it was late January and M and I had met early December). I was paranoid they thought I was an overly dramatic and needy girlfriend. I felt a need to “act normal.” This need to act normal would be a constant presence in my life.

M and his friends skied the next day while I went in search of a doctor. Fortunately I found someone who could see me at a private practice. I told him I’d seen an ER doctor who said I had a basic concussion and should be fine soon, but that I was worried something was more serious. He again did an examination and confirmed what the ER doctor had said. I should feel back to normal within a few weeks. Headaches, nausea, and fatigue were nothing to be too concerned about.

I felt really “off” that weekend, but didn’t talk about it much. I felt relieved that I was going to be ok. I even went out and bought a new helmet and expensive ski boots.

The following week I had a work trip to Durango which the doctor said was ok to go on. M had agreed to drive me as I didn’t think it would be a good idea for me to drive myself. For some reason traveling by car was ok at this time, but traveling by bus was not. I was able to do some work in the hotel room but felt extremely tired all the time. When I attended the work events, I again felt off/weird/uncomfortable/messed up but felt social pressure to “act normal.” The work trip seemed to be a success, and M drove us back to Denver. 

For the next couple of weeks I would go into the office late and leave early. I was exhausted by 2 or 3 pm and went home to rest. I still felt weird but wasn’t nauseous and don’t remember having bad headaches. Little did I know I was doing way too much and pushing myself too hard. I even flew to a friend’s wedding on the east coast. 

Scroll to mid February (three weeks had elapsed), and I had another work trip, but this time with several coworkers and my boss. We had seats on a small shuttle bus, similar to the Colorado Mtn Express buses. They allowed me to sit in the front seat, but about halfway there I started to feel extremely nauseous. I was so sick and could hardly keep my eyes open. I had never felt like this before, sicker than I knew how to explain. I knew this was a bad sign. When we finally got there, I could not stand up in the hotel lobby and instead sat down in a chair and laid my head on the table while I waited for everyone to check in. I felt weak, completely exhausted and sicker then I can ever remember. I wanted (and needed) to sleep for days. We had an hour to rest before our work event. No one seemed very concerned that I felt like I was going to die- but I probably didn’t verbalize it. I slept in the hotel room briefly and set an alarm so as not to miss the event. 

I told people at the event I was sick but I struggled through my brief presentation and tried to listen to the others. I attended work events the following day before we were to get back on the bus. It was Valentines Day and almost the weekend, so M was to pick me up when the bus stopped in Silverthorne. Once again after a bit on the bus I felt terrible again. I took Dramamine which did nothing. I was able to get to his place in Avon but felt extremely sick and exhausted. 

That weekend was when it became obvious that I was really not ok. One morning I drove his friends the 10 minute drive to Vail to drop them off to ski. When I was dropping them off I started to feel really overheated. I rolled the windows down. Nausea and weirdness set in. I felt like I barely made it back to his apartment in Avon. First thing wrong- I couldn’t drive for more than 5 minutes. Upon getting home I had to sleep for the rest of the day to feel any better. The next day I attempted to walk the 50 years (typo- yards) across the parking lot from his place to the grocery store. The same thing happened. Nausea. Fatigue. The world felt like it was closing on me. Again I had to lie down/sleep for 5 to 6 hours before I could even get out of bed. Apparently I couldn’t walk more than about 20 yards. Then the third thing happened, I tried to read a book. No dice. After less than 10 minutes I was bedridden for hours. 

Cognitively, my short term memory was gone, my processing speed was down by over 50%, and I could no longer focus or organize information.

Ultimately I could not get out of bed at all other than to force a little food down here and there. I was way too sick to endure traveling back to Denver. We called the doctor in Vail I had previously seen and scheduled an MRI. Sleeping and waiting until the appointment for days.

Two Zanex down (for my claustrophobia) and the MRI results back- they were normal. Nothing was structurally wrong with my brain. But something was very wrong with me.

“Yikes I am going too fast,” I thought. My adrenaline surged as I was slightly out of control on my skis. All of the sudden there was a steep icy section. “It is too icy to turn and slow down,” I thought. I’ll have to go straight down it. Then I noticed beneath it was a hard packed, sheet of ice catwalk that curved sharply to the right. Crap, I must slow down, I thought. I attempted a small turn and caught an edge. I flew in the air backwards down the rest of the steep section. I landed at the bottom, on ice as hard as a rock, on the back of my head.

Did I lose consciousness for a second? I wasn’t sure. I laid there for who knows how long, and then finally realized I needed to move so someone didn’t slam into me. M had already rounded the corner and was out of sight. Someone stopped and asked if I was ok. I said I thought I was. I felt really weird and out of it, but I eventually got up and skied around the corner and found M.

I remember skiing the rest of the way down the mountain. Every leaf on the trees was crystal clear. I felt like I was high. I had no idea this was going to be my last ski day of the year and probably ever.

That evening I felt “off” and weird and out of it, but I did not go directly to the hospital. My body was fine. I could walk and talk and seemed relatively normal. I was so out of it I wasn’t thinking logically and didn’t know to see a doctor. 

Lying in bed that night was the most disconcerting of the day. I felt like I was floating above the bed, floating above my body. I know now that this was the moment I left my brain and my body. My brain would from now on be a separate entity and I would have to get to know this new self and new body that was not me.

The following day we drove back to M’s place in Avon. (Note: M and I had met less than 6 weeks prior to this!!) All I remember is that he was playing the music really loud in the car. I was uncomfortable. But I did not say anything to him. Putting things into words would become an all too familiar problem. The morning after I got up early to drive back to Denver and go straight to work. During this drive, I started to feel hot, really sick, panicky, and suffocated. I was terrified. Miraculously I made it back to Denver and straight to a hospital. 

The ER doctor spent about 10 minutes with me and did a quick exam. He determined that yes, I had a concussion, but that I did not have any bleeding in my brain, and therefore did not need a CT scan. He instructed me not to be on the computer, phone, watch tv, or read the rest of the week. He instructed to ease back the couple weeks afterwards. I called my office and let them know, thinking this would be a tough week with no technology.