Most of my posts are written about the past, they are reflective, written when I am in an introverted phase of time. They don’t often describe the state of current affairs. Because I still feel like I have a lot of explaining to do about the past. Because in turn that explains why I am the way I am today. I’ve written all these posts, but I still don’t feel like I’ve done it justice. And maybe this writing will help others who are still back in that place, who can’t communicate well and feel alone. I am extremely lucky to have resources and a loving family & partner, I know most with brain injury and chronic illness are not so lucky. The first time I discovered another person’s blog on brain injury, it was revolutionary for me. I hope this does the same.

Years ago, I did not have the language ability or perspective to write the way I do now. When I go to that dark reflective place, I still have raw emotions, intense emotions. My sense of time blurs. Sense of time in general with chronic illness blurs without career or other life milestones. But on a daily basis I don’t feel all of these raw emotions. That would be impossible. I focus on the present moment. It’s too overwhelming to think about the big stuff all the time. I (we) would drown.

Luckily it’s not as hard to stay focused on the present as much as you would think. My brain still isn’t great at multitasking. When I am doing something, it requires 100% of my brain power. So I am forced into mindfulness in a way. Thank god I don’t have to choose. It’s one way my brain has saved me. It’s protecting itself. Recovery is far from linear, but each year I do more and more and the quality of my life improves. The worst is over.